I had a thought recently that frustrated me:
Why am I still attracting this?
After all this work.
After all this healing.
After all these boundaries.
After becoming so much clearer about what I want and what I will no longer tolerate.
Why do certain kinds of people still seem to find me?
Especially men.
Men with potential.
Men who can talk.
Men who appear interesting enough at first.
Men who have some of what I’m looking for.
But then I look a little closer.
And there it is.
The gap.
The space between who someone could be and who they are actually willing to become.
And I realized something:
Potential is not partnership.
Whew.
That one landed.
Because I’ve spent enough of my life being able to see what people could do.
I can see the talent.
I can see the possibilities.
I can see the better decision.
I can see the path from Point A to Point B.
And apparently, I have occasionally confused my ability to see someone’s potential with evidence that they were prepared to fulfill it.
Those are two completely different things.
Someone can be intelligent and still lack execution.
Someone can have a good heart and still be inconsistent.
Someone can possess wonderful qualities and still not possess the qualities necessary to build a life with me.
Someone can be a perfectly decent human being and still be completely wrong for me.
That doesn’t require a villain.
It only requires honesty.
And perhaps that’s the lesson I hadn’t fully understood before.
Maybe the pattern isn’t repeating.
Maybe I’m being shown how much I have changed.
Because an older version of me might have stayed curious longer.
She might have waited.
She might have explained.
She might have considered all the reasons someone wasn’t showing up fully.
She might have focused on what was possible.
Current me?
She’s looking at what’s actually happening.
And that changes everything.
Because I don’t want to build a relationship with somebody’s résumé of possibilities.
I want partnership.
Execution.
Consistency.
Depth.
Reciprocity.
Someone who doesn’t merely understand what needs to happen but actually does something about it.
And I don’t think that’s unreasonable anymore.
Maybe I once would have questioned whether my standards were too high.
Now I wonder why I ever thought asking for reciprocity was asking for too much.
There is another layer to this.
Sometimes when you’ve been single for a while, loneliness can make potential look particularly attractive.
You can start negotiating with yourself.
Well, he’s nice.
We have good conversations.
Maybe I should give this more time.
Maybe I’m being too picky.
But I’m learning that wanting companionship does not require me to accept companionship that doesn’t actually satisfy me.
Those are different things.
I can want love deeply and still say no.
I can miss having someone and still refuse the wrong someone.
I can desire partnership without turning every possibility into a prospect.
That’s growth too.
And perhaps that’s my answer.
Maybe I’m not still attracting the same thing because I haven’t healed.
Maybe life simply hasn’t stopped presenting choices.
Growth doesn’t mean you’ll never encounter another unavailable person.
Healing doesn’t mean nobody will ever disappoint you.
Boundaries don’t prevent people from approaching you.
They change what happens after they do.
And that’s where I finally see the difference.
The pattern isn’t:
Why do these people keep showing up?
The pattern I need to pay attention to is:
What do I do when they arrive?
And these days?
I’m doing something very different.
I’m noticing sooner.
I’m rationalizing less.
I’m no longer falling in love with potential.
And I’m no longer allowing loneliness to negotiate my standards.
So perhaps the better question isn’t:
Why am I still attracting this?
Maybe it’s:
Am I still choosing it?
And the answer to that is becoming increasingly clear.
No.
It’s not that I’m still attracting the same thing.
I’m simply no longer available for it.
And that may be one of the clearest signs of growth I’ve seen yet.
With grace,
Natalie
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